The Great Acts of Jason.

I once saw Jason throw a baby 400 miles.  I once saw Jason outdance Michael Jackson, right after the child touching contest...which he also won.  I once saw Jason pick up a truck full of molten boron and dump it on a school bus full of children.  Jason once slapped a ho so hard she birthed his cash money.  Jason invented skeet.  Jason can cut through moses like the red sea.  I once saw him castrate a field of mice...in 3 seconds.  I once saw him turn an ant hill into bread.  I once saw Jason spit in a baby's mouth.  I once saw Jason take a tour bus from california to new york without once going to the bathroom.  He impregnated my girlfriend while we were scuba diving...from the moon.  Jason once dressed up like mickey mouse and pummeled the president.  Jason once ate like 800 hot dogs and shat out a majik chalice made of sewn strands of angel hair that projected images of children playing with lava.  Jason once bled on me and my skin burnt with style.  Didnt you know that on easter sunday superman rises from the dead to fight Jason in the sky? and all the good little boys and girls get a piece of walrus lard in their shoes, while the bad ones get hockey sticked in the face by wayne gretzky.  Jason climbed to the top of mount everest on the back of a turtle just because he could.  Jason once kicked jesus in the balls and took his lunch money.  Jason once built george bush with legos...then made him president.  I saw Jason beat the emerald weapon...with level 43 characters...then, he turned water into bottled water.  He's a genius.  I once saw Jason and Chuck Norris battle the forces of heaven and hell while singing all the anthems of all things that have anthems at once ..having children during all this.  Chuck only lasted a few hours while Jason is still doing it to this day.  Jason once slanderized a rag doll.  Jason was conceived in a titan by the seed of a god.  Jason moved the sun closer to the planets.  Jason lies in court.  Jason conceives every newborn child himself.  Jason created the world when he had mud butt.  Jason made germany worship david hasselhoff.  Jason once punted an egg across the atlantic into morrocco...and the egg didn't even break.  Jason once pulled a 100 dollar bill out of a frogs anus.  Jason reverse gestated himself just so he could be born again.  Jason once put a dollar between his ass cheeks...squeezed...and 4 quarters fell out...the funny thing is...the quarters came out of his mouth while the dollar bill remained in his tight, muscular grasp.  Jason once shat a baby.  I once saw Jason win 50 games of beer pong...in a row!  I once saw him break a horses leg just because the horses leg wasn't broken.  Jason is living proof that god wants us to be buff.  Jason invented the tricycle.  Jason goes into hotel rooms and steals bibles so he can write in his own scriptures.  Jason once gave a child a puppy and then threw the puppy into space.  And I hear that Jason once discovered america by casting a fishing rod so far it actually touched a beach in hawaii. Apparently they kept some sand from the incident in a tube in some chinese country. This is where the term "tube steak" comes from.  Jason once impregnated 46 uncles...in a row...with no breaks.  Jason once moved the eiffel tower 2 and a half inches to the left.  Jason once got plastered and broke the sphinxs' nose for talking shit about him.  Jason once picked up a waitress at hooters.  Jason got my family out of debt and gave me a credit report...for free!  Jason once made a U-y on a freeway.  Jason once slapped a dolphine because it was too blue.  Jason will make you feel self-conscious.  Jason craps lightning bolts.  Jason is so dope...he rides in the child seat of the carts at walmart.  Jason is so pimp, I once saw him slap the old lady at walmart because she put his sticker on upside down.  Jason rocks it so hard that he rides around in an engineless 1954 ford truck pulled by midgets.  Jason is so fresh and so clean that he doesn't walk on the ground, he has virgins lay down on the ground in front of him wherever he goes so his white on whites don't get scuffed.  Jason is so crazy...he once outspoke bill cosby.  Jason is so fly...when he pops his collar...it actually makes a "pop" noise.  Jason is so devious, he has been elected president 21 times.  Jason is so hard, he once ran into a burning childrens hospital and saved the entire morphine supply without breaking a sweat.  Jason is so smooth he once fell off a bridge and made it look cool, 446 people died.  Jason is so hard, god turned his back on him so Jason stole gods car and did donuts on his front lawn...from the backseat.  Jason will burn you with a blowtorch and then tell you to stop burning so easily.  Jason once ate a homeless mans egg mcmuffin and then teased the man for being so skinny.  Jason once walked around outside an orphanage with his parents just to show the orphans how fun it was to have parents.  Jason is so hard...they modeled Hardman off of him.  Jason makes rain with sand.  Jason once pwned some n00bs at counterstrike...then f'd their moms in the a.  Jason invented the a.  Jason turns heads in the meat department of albertsons with his deli skills he learned in 'nam.  Jason once said that MSG stands for "materially sodomized gods" and nobody proved him wrong.  Jason is batman.  Jason gave me my first car...then he stole it and went cruising with my girlfriend.  Jason once  pooped out a car and told michael jackson that little boys were inside, then once micheal got in, he threw it onto the moon.  He said it was so he couldnt molest little rear ends anymore...but he was really only eliminating the competition.  Jason eats whole cornstalks and shits out fajitas.  Jason is a licensed lawyer.  Jason coined the phrase "here's my two cents" when he crammed two pennies up your mothers ass on her birthday.  He then realized that it was a bad investment and retrieved the pennies with a shovel...a SQUARE shovel, because if you're going to do something you better do it right...he then bought a whole case of forties and put the change in the "give a penny take a penny" tray...because he's generous like that.  Jason played teeball until he was 45 years old.  Jason is powered by honda.  Jason coaches high school football...with an IRON FIST!  Jason doesn't slow down for yellow lights...he speeds up.  Jason once broke into prison for 4 months...he converted the guards into one legged ballerinas before he left.  Jason once caught a fish with his toes.  Jason was supposed to be "The One"  but then he moved to new jersey and married the fantastic four.  Jason killed colonol sanders and turned him into 11 herbs and spices.  Jason lives inside rick rubens beard.  Jason wrestles giant squids as a warm up before his daily workouts.  His daily workouts?  Bench pressing planets.  Jason eats 30 raw eggs every morning then sumo wrestles yettis, naked.  Jason created the humonga cowabunga from down unda...just because he liked the movie point break...which was also his idea.  Jason invented birkenstocks.  Jason killed his own father then had sex with his mother to conceive himself.  When Jason relieves himself pepsi co takes his urine and puts it in pop cans and label it as mountain dew.  It was Jasons idea to put taco bell and kfc together.....oh what a magical man he be.  Jason hunts gorillas with his social security card.  Jason  invented the trick "try to touch your elbows behind your back" ...because that the coolest thing since "hey...you dropped your pocket."  Jason has no reflection.  Jason failed math class then he made the first hydrogen bomb and gave it to japan via airmail.  Jason has his friends urinate for him.  Jason killed my parents and kicked sand in my face.  I WAS FREAKING HONOURED TO HAVE MY PARENTS KILLED BY JASON. AND WHEN HE KICKED SAND IN MY FACE I DIDN"T CLOSE MY EYES...i accepted he holy grains of sand as they tore my retina apart.  Jason kicks sand only at the weak..... and frail......and redheaded.  Jason has a whole photo album of him kicking sand at danny bonnaducci.....i call it 'THE BIBLE."  Jason urinates halos.  Jason smuggles vietnamese children into the U.S.  Jason once killed a cat by making it commit suicide...with a fork.  Jason rules you....and your little dog too...in fact...Jason came up with that line and then sold it to the writers of the wizard of oz....then he took the money and spent it on blow.  Jason invented D.A.R.E. to throw the feds off his trail.  Jason acts like a weapon of mass destruction....then smells like a weapon of mass seduction.  Jason makes me do things...to his dog.  Jason once mugged bill gates.  Jason once impregnated a grill...and the baby was a super grill that he gave to george forman.  Jason once cloned himself and formed the first boy band ever.  Jason once stood on the moon and pissed on jupiter.  Jason can toss a girls salad with his mind.  Jason once ate a million gummi bears and shat out 12 rainbows.  Jason once saved everyone in the world from an ice age...by burning them alive.  Jason once created the smallest cellphone ever and lodged it in his throat...so he could walk around talking and when people would say "are you talking to me?" as they walked past he would get an attitude and be like "EXCUSE ME...I'M ON THE GODDAMN PHONE!!"  Jason once dressed up like colonol sanders so he could get free blowjobs in kentucky.  Jason once threw a cow at a delorian and when the doors flew up the cow was launched into space...it rained hamburgers for days.  Jason killed bruce lee...and his son.  Jason has a closet made out of pimp cups.  Jason once made a girl queef so loud that it made all the dogs in the neighborhood puke.  I saw Jason take on the KKK...blindfolded.  Jason once made the browns win the superbowl...then he reversed time and quit the team.  Jason watches you while you sleep.  You look tired.